The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
