if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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