I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
