god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My ATM looks so different sober.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
