where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
