I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
