apparently the secret to your success is patron
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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