I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize