Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
