i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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