the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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