If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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