So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
