I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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