remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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