you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
