we're blogging at a bar
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
