first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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