So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
now i know why i became what i already was.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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