She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
