He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you had me at cake vodka
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
