Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
