1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
