You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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