Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize