she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize