i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
