I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
