The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize