I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
