shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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