I skipped work to stalk him.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
