I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
