Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
