Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize