Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
