the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
