So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize