piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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