I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
