I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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