I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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