Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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