Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
