If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I could fuck to npr.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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