the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
