Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
