I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
