Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize