My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
