I'm so fucking centered right now
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
