Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
