Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
