I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Four minutes until I can fart!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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