He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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