R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
