I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
