I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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