Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize