how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You were trust falling into bushes
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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