"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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