FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
