When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Randomize