I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
