it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
