9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
