i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
