Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
