I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
