Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
