She even gives head with a lisp.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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