Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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