Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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