Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
