Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
