For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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