if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
