I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
