I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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