a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
