I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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