Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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