From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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